move the trees

Plate VV

2008-10-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

Rush in Rio

2008-10-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

2008-10-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

Plate VI

2008-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Untitled

2008-10-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Early Work

2008-10-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Numbered

2008-07-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

My days are numbered

Really difficult to see life

Really difficult to go on

In this dark hole

Angst

2008-07-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today it is a struggle to get through each half hour

Hopeless and in a bind

Of my own making

and by what has been allowed to attack

Theology is being refined

no preaching can help

alone I must be

Not that I have been left alone

Quite the opposite

It is a time of my reckoning

A blast furnace to my notions of truth

of life

of faith

What are we doing here?

What am I doing here?

What is life?

Enchanted universe ?

Or trapped in a cold, hard world.

Maybe both

So hard to deal with expectations

I have allowed to define me.

Love

Love is all I can trust

Love is not what I thought it was

I don't know love

Does it know me?

Healing

2008-01-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

You are just beginning

Don't you recognize it

At times it seems so distant

It is always here

Listen

It's hidden in the seed

Inside you

The seed

of the Devine

68

2007-12-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

This was a year

Many thought would never end

It gets blamed

for many of our ills today

it was a traumatic year for me

and maybe my ills were defined here

so that now my internal battles

the ones fueled by lies

greased with fear

sparked by fate

my soul is hiding

buried under the wieght

Daddy's insane

2007-12-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today I am your chariot horse

Tomorow I am your albatross

You put your faith

in all you hear

Let me tell you about

the new world order

Not the one that drives

you to the border

It's a new religion

wrapped in a revolution

with a proven solution

for your mental pollution

Nature wants your life

to go on long and strong

To have children

and show them where you

went wrong

So your life style

leads to hell

or prison

Wise up and listen

to what you've been missing

Shadow Between

2007-11-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

Someone said love would change

the world

Shine your light on me

Life of feelings and encounters

World of humans

Things could have been different

Shadows that fall between

problems are what we are

Care is the cure

light on the dark

arEa between us

I cannot understand myself

But maybe I can help you

understand you

and you me.

Door handle

2007-11-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things happen because they happen

How do I get spiritual about the door latch

That broke today?

It's broken on the inside

Now, the only way to open the door

is from the outside

This door will not lock

This door sags on it's hinges

This door is sucking my will to live

I've hoped it would fix itself

If not that, maybe just not get any worse

Got a leaky carport roof

that continues to drip despite my amateur attempts to fix

Maybe both are easy fixes

Money is all it takes

Pay the professional

Like throwing coins

in the wishing well

No,

there's something happening here

what it is ain't exactly clear

alas!

my path

losing end of Distance

2006-11-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

This a total stream of thought post.

I am somewhat exhausted so I am hopeful it will provide a clear path from what is on my mind of Late

I saw Bruce Cockburn in Olympia last night.

One thought I had linger most of the evening was that I am glad to be here now with these people.

In the midst of the veil being pulled back to reveal the darkness that has always been present, I am finding comfort in friends that share like hearts and depth of soul.

Election night seemed so huge in the grand scheme of this time in history. It seemed like my vote, our collective votes carried so much weight for us and the world. Indeed many lives were at stake.

But this is but a small step, but a step none the less to give momentum for guys like Barney Sanders to lead the governmet in more human ways. Human and government don't seem to go together too well and may never, but at least maybe this country will be less a misery to so many.

Looks like Rumsfeld will be spending more time on Mount Misery. May he pay for the damage he has inflicted on so many, many lives.

History never forgets and is always returning as a reminder.

The beautiful creatures are going away.

What will my children have to live with?

There is always hope, alas the universe is enchanted.

Bobby Kennedy will help lead us through this time

Will we hear?

Iraq in fragments. This will be with us for a long, long time.

Too bad Vermont is so far from the ocean. Montreal might be the hook though.

I hope we give the world a second look.

At least I plan to.

So how are you doing?

Do you find yourself wondering what's it all about?

Why are we here?

How did we get here from there.

How big is my terra foot print?

Well the vote gig seemed to work this time.

And the CIA is still in power. Now even running the DOD.

What's the next Pearl Harbor?

The next Lone Gunman?

The next terror plot against our 'homeland' Ah, Hitler still informs ...

Daniel Ortega back in power. Hope he gets a few chess lessons from Hugo.

Name dropping here, sorry.

Maybe after digesting the Way of the Superior Man I'll have less of a need to appear so cleaver

Or not

Inside Job

2006-09-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Craters exposed

Telling the tale

What did you see

Free fall from grace

A plan to shock

and numb

We took the bait

Went after the stooge

With chests puffed out

Righteous anger

And retribution

God is on my side

It not what it seems

Safer but not safe they say.

Axis of evil pointing fingers

at straw men

The buildings fell so perfectly

demolition

the better part of valor

You did it to show

The mid-east

a new form of the cold war

And make a statement

to those who remember

9-11 1906

Blessed are the peacemakers

They will see God

Success

2006-09-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

I said

I'm tired of all the bad

dreams at night

messing with my sleep

my soul

She asked

what is their message

I'm a failure

I said

She asked

What is your defination

Of success

I said

I don't have one

I've tried to live out

my mother's dreams

So what's going on here?

Why the angst?

Questions of normal

Questions of success

Questions of purpose

Who am I

Who do you want to be?

Purple rose wilting

Room painted white

Conversation takes

a turn

Smoke blowing around my ass

Who am I

that needs to be revealed

See and be seen

Who takes the time

to hear the hummingbird

from the crowded street below

or watch a pelican grace

the salt air

Where do I end

and nature begin?

It's all around you

calling your name

Who am I

to care

Who am I

to love you

Who am I

to dream?

Nature trial

2006-06-28T09:52:00.001-07:00

All enter through a womb

Rhythms

Waves greeting the shore

connected

Then cut off

Our greatest desire

and our deepest fear

Watching me

Never the same

same as it ever was

Grains of generations

as sand through my fingers

Cruel world you say?

I'm not so sure

Darkness and light

Storms and calm

Margins pointing

My soul waits

Innocents wash over me

Reflects the heavens

Underworld alive

Yet fear feeds the unknown

Nature knows me

Mom's day

2006-05-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was walking

through the sand

Was looking for my footprints

They were lost underneath

Maybe they were someone elses

Elements of our path

are like that

Generations embrace

Passing on character

One kiss at a time

Wondering around

in the tower of my mind

Looking

delighted to see

Souls of generations

in the eyes of my son

Oh, that I could be found worthy

of such a gift

with every diaper change

and zippin' up his coat

I remember you

I am still learning

to love all things

it has taken me so long

to learn to love

Love and roses never fade

Counting horses in the sky

there's a star named

Bob

Ego

2006-03-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

Was just leaving a two hour stint of being all alone with my thoughts, when the answer to the question I hadn't yet articulated was answered.

Sometimes the vast landscape before me is hidden

Silently waiting for a tree to fall

does anybody hear?

I want to know if

you are willing to live

day by day with the consequence of love

and the sure and bitter defeat

of those things you hold close

as a stuffed dog held in your innocent grip

Decades of protection

silenced voice

Surpression of a violent tongue

The landscape is calling

Does anybody hear?

Destiny onced tamed by a civilized mind

Wells up from the dark, unseen

reality

I'm listening

Moonless Night

2006-03-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here

Wondering about the world I see

Where I fit

Who are you God

Connection a distant hope

coloring the frozen tundra

of the outback where I dwell

Raised sword held by

bloodied fingers torn by thorns

while grasping for the rose

Where are you Lord

Who is love

Facist handiwork of my own design

keeping my love safely confined

nurturing my childish view

Waits to be nudged

from this tower

Alas, death

Yet the world's gaze beckons

My soul resonates

Expectations fade as smoke mingles with the midnight air

Revealing my name

your name

refusing to be comforted

this is my path, our road home

to the watching world seemingly frozen to love

As tundra

Alas, Love's way

Love's soul

Beckons

Al and Martin

2006-01-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

Funny how the Spirit moves

Inhabiting place and things

Alas, partnering with man

Dreams and truth

Battle scars influence Leaders

Memory and hope

Light shards pierce darkness

Torture and spy

Lie and subvert

Voice speaking truth

Finally

All were amazed

at the authority with which he spoke

Hillsides now filled to hear

in need of a leader

longing for hope

turning anger to unity

a flame fueled by sorrow

uncovering a sleeping giant

ready to embrace humanity

without fear driven pace

now gathering

as in Chicago

as in Washington

lead on Al

lead on Martin

Turn

2005-12-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

Warn blanket strains to keep

together

Heat weaves like escaping hope

Into the evening chill

Whispers kissing my soul

Like a child

There you will find stuff of the kingdom

Endless talking about how it might be

Emerging egos guiding light

I am needing truth

and being led by a dim light

Or so I thought

Incarnation is all the buzz

God, I am sick of it

Hell in a handbasket

A blow to the head and death all around

Who sees the light?

Endless talking about how it might be

Emerging egos posturing like the rest

of those whom they claim to have missed

them

Paradox their drink of choice

Another drunken tatooed sailor

floating on the sea of self

God you came to us

You came to me

So simple

So raw

So dim

I miss you

Daily

Yet I don't

The very wind whispers

kisses my face

to the core of my soul

Yet still confused on direction

Leaf strewn roads

Less traveled

path eched

By souls led

By dim light and timely kisses

From a loved one

Welcome

2005-12-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome Pentagon folks.

Gosh, I don't know what to say.

No matter, you'll find out soon enough

Just whose interests you choose to protect

Things aren't what they seem

You'll never see everything

Seldom seen is the infinite

hiding before you

What are you afraid of

Death?

Weeping of loss is sacred.

Control profane

We've all been there

Just who do you think you're messin' with?

Tookie

2005-12-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

You love to rub my face in it

Redemption

Revenge

Sadness cutting deep

May hope for us rise up

From the ashes of this smoldering train wreck

Tookie's death saving us

From ourselves

I hate the bitterness I have carried

When a redeemed man dies

Exposing me with the light

of grace

mercy

Love

I want to be a better man

To fight for such a cause

No to die for such a cause

I long for the day

of our soul-filled

loved filled

embrace

God have mercy

Lord have mercy

And the Lord prayed that we would be one

Like his father and he

I didn't think it would be fullfilled

in the depths of sorrow

borne from injustice

but so be it

Gone

2005-12-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

Not sure what happened

Maybe reality set in

Hold on Boy

2005-11-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

I've seen walking wounded

Stumbling around like a leaf

I've seen an angry fist shake in the wind

And tear stained eyes embracing a sunset

Hold on boy, you're gonna to need these memories

I've seen baby hands grab my fingers

Like a vice

Grab my glasses

Grab my keys

Grab the strings of my heart

Hold on boy, you're gonna need these memories

Another Baseball game

He wasn't there

No matter, I struck out anyway

Shootin' hoops in the rain

Winning shot at the buzzer

Crowd goes wild

Hold on boy, you're gonna need these memories

Laughter of family

Laughter of friends

Never knew what you all wanted

Lost myself in trying to hide

In places I hoped you might look

Now the trees have shed their garmets

And I walk amidst them on this dark lonely night

Hold on boy

This is Jordon Cooper's weblog: Paul Proctor -- God Sends Shocking Message To Emerging Church!

2005-11-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

This is Jordon Cooper's weblog: Paul Proctor -- God Sends Shocking Message To Emerging Church!

Fruit of the vine, can be bitter, can be sweet.

Alas, the bitter makes some all the sweeter

Fred and Wilma

2005-10-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

Leaves blowing around your front door

Meet the stoneage with a modern name

Hanging out in the tropics

Taking time to enjoy the scenery

Enjoying the sunrise

Over the deep blue

See?

Finding my courage, lost at sea

Or so they say

Denial of the past places

Where I visisted under a different name

Wounds needing care now a wall of refusal

To see

The way you were before

Blisters on your feet

burning memory

held in my body adopting a twisted cadence

To the rhythms of this stormy sea.

Without a rudder yet refusing to grasp the wheel

Rumors of fear shadow any hope

Of what lives down below.

Even God only knows

the coinage at the bottom of the wishing well

keeps Him at bay.

But I'll weather the storm

Rebuild with an eye to the watermark stain on my walls.

Walking the tightrope just takes practice.

The stoneage has nothing on me.

move the trees

2005-10-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

move the treeswhat

Doing time

2005-10-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

Tide on the rise

Sand light, brown mixed with gold

Covering once jagged rocks to their tip

Daring memory of what was

Cool clear water

Blue hue walks hand in hand with the moon

Rhythm harsh and grace filled

Beckoning the faithful

Warning the bought and sold

Come sit a spell

The lap bar just came up

Traveling the white lines

This must be the place

below the cracked side walk

Cliche'd diamonds on the water pierce my heart

What's it like to be found

in the eyes of an innocent child?

And the light keeps pouring down

Gray storm to the north

Wind blowing reality

against my skin

Who can break the spell?

Some prayers dwell between my breath and heart

I hear a sneer outside the garden

The dust of the ground signals my return

How far can my eyes really see

Ego loudly pleading case

Sour soul pushing toward light

While the band plays all your favorite songs

With the memory of who I am

As if throwing kisses,

So that I can go on

Your Eyes

2005-09-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

Looking out the window

Listening to the wind blow

Another day in limbo

An old home movie

Flickering in my head

Is this is how it's supposed to be

Or a case of retribution

How loudly we plead our innocence

After we make our contribution

We've made a good livin' on the stuff we thought we knew

Listen for the laugh of Heaven

More dangerous than a loaded gun

Warm up to the warming

Holy eyes approach

without lack, without excess

Because of grasping and rejecting,

You cannot attain it

Your harmony conflicted

Duality revealed

Let your heart receive

The unseen wind

And nonsense such as that

Your Eyes

2005-09-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

Roll the Bones

2005-09-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

Confirmation by good 'ol boys

Crawling in there with supposed impartiality

Favoring us over those people

Smoke and mirrors

Nobody above the law

The doctors needing healing

Five and dime note pads

Stained with the blood

of those who have fallen through the cracks

Black robes

The irony

Laws framing the meaning of being a human

Marginalize care

Anthropological melee

Tribal elders hidden

Showing up behind the barrel of a gun

So play your games

Few are impressed

Keep a candle in the window

Darkness ever present

Light splinters long forsaken humanity

Walking on water

Walking on Roses

Walks on by

Your trinity missing the Triune

Burning

2005-09-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

Becoming no-thing

A question of health

Darkness the very stuff of new life

What is truth

What is in left field

Well ordered life thrust into the arena of terror

Jacobs ladder providing a way in

Three days in the belly

It's not as if you are all alone

in wanting to explode

All of us get lost in the darkness

Experience Experienced Experience

Dream is lost

Disoriented

Dust is cleared

I am innocent

I am guilty

I repent

Restore me

Open hand Surrender

Sacrifice of Man

Human ecology

Death a doorway

Pain a visitor

Let her sleep on the floor

Set the Table

It's my turn

The archaeology of violence governs the tearing

Transforming eternal

Love remains

And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

2005-09-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

We are the priests of the hallowed halls

Gilded cage revealed

Words give up pompous hearts

The underlying king

Sleeping with the enemy, us

Illusion of liberty

Dude pulls the hope drained soul from toxic soup

Turn it up a notch

Non Christians being Christ, while insulted by the right

You will have the mind of Christ

Weeping throughout the world

Refusing to be comforted

Sharing His suffering

Administrative welfare cut

History of Massacre

If bullets don't get good PR

There are other ways to kill

Soul of man

Soul of God

Soul of home

Recieve your own

Lady wisdom

2005-09-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

This story breaks my heart

Like an oak rotting from the inside

exposure the only happy ending

Preventing theft of running shoes

While black babies die for lack

of food, water, basics for life, liberty and the pursuit of

Third world within our borders

Don't look

Two nations

Divided by hate

every power needs an enemy

Super Dome overflows with people

Struggling to hope

for the glaring blue eyes to

see their enemy

crying

Uniformed Army forced to maintain peace

Why?

I wish you could see

I wish you would smell

I wish you will feel

What is going on around you

This is not a dream

The bell tolls

Wise up

Katrina

2005-09-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Proud swagger from out of Texas

waiting for the world's applause

Tell it to the universe

Excuses for abandoning the forgotten

Jesus says you will find him among the outcasts

Ethics and philosophy meet a dehydrated baby

They trusted you until it hurt

Still needing you to keep your word

Tell it to the universe

Vacationing while your people suffer

Like no human should

Well, you got rid of a failing infrastructure

Your fascist architecture would not support

Jesus says you will find him in the outcasts

What will you do when your levee breaks?

When your family slowly dies before your tear filled eyes

Will you accept aid

From those you left behind?

Or be blinded by the light

Heroes

2005-08-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a day and we've just arrived at nap time.

One thought is growth sprurts contribute to a three year old's meltdown quotient.

I think it could be teaching the word "please" to a self centered person, but I am no expert...

THey are working on our portion of the street today. Digging a trench to lay new gas pipe.

We counted 6 tractors of various shapes and sizes. Each one operated by men bigger than life itself.

At least through the eyes of a three year old boy.

He brought his orange plastic cement mixer from his toy box and held it in his hands as he watched his heroes work.

Dust clouds from the backhoe scoop kissing his face as the ground shook from the compacting tool on the end of another tractor pressing into the recently dumped dirt.

He had a smile on his face and I was melting inside.

Doesn't each of us want that kind of freedom to connect with our hero?

The minutes went by, but time was irrelevant. This was sacred. Alas, mixed with masks and posturing and pressure to get the job done on time.

Amidst all the action and noise I could hear a pin drop.

My melting heart transforming, no, more like being revealed for the longing for innocence once again.

I loved the time. With my son, who again is pointing to the kingdom.

Here and now.

It is not want I thought it would be.

Blister Soul

2005-08-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

The thing we can't speak of

The secret we all know

Winning by a nose

Leaving without a sound

Those things that won't leave you alone

nothing special about this hole

in my heart

House of cards waiting for a breeze

Or maybe a cross-wind

To expose submerged beach balls

Held under by fear

What will it take?

Introduced to my sorrow

and become best of friends

Crawling under glimmering shards

of light

Lord show me your face

Lord show me your skin

Number 25

2005-08-11T22:24:00.000-07:00

National pastime heros

Bums seeing only their backs

Young hearts desiring the impossible

Skills enhanced

Only immortal for a limited time

Electric storm in their veins

ego tranished soul

Luster lost in nicotine cloud

Lonely eagles fly

For love of the game

Departed players compassionate eyes

Campanionship undying

Performance impotent

Records a vapor as hot steam

exiting the tea pot tempest

Corn fields await

All those who desire

Truth

Comrades first

Feet grounded

Grass and dirt share

Joined souls

DreaMs

2005-07-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

Returning to posturing

Open my eyes

First light before darkness overtakes

Fear

I have dreams

or do they have me?

sleep

We are united

Needed for life

Wake as a baby

screaming to be fed

Lost in wonder

Alas, Fear

No shoes

No clothes

No control

Cold sweat

Confusing images providing the day's mantra

A dream for the waking

I take with me

And it takes me

Natural Science

2005-07-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

Born to a garden

A complete society

Soon the margins entice my core

Where to fit

Ever feeling unfit

Words, fresh ghosts take up residence

In my mind

Get me out of here, can't wait until the age arrives

To flee

Be myself

Alas, the ghosts continue speaking guidance

Caught in a rip tide unseen

Exploding in my viens, heart breaking

Silently, that's a good boy

It's my turn to drive

Stay between the lines

Driven to the edge

Of a deep dark hole

Soon the garden is lost, forever a shadow

The universe ahead, terrifying light

Compelling

Impaled on the horns of innocence refusing to die

Ah, my soul revealed, needing care

Much care

Born to a new reality

Yet to be complete, yet complete

Needing me, yet will live on with the pain of my absense, my lack

Never love without pain

Embrace the ghosts

Because the light knows me

Set me free to be disturbed

Love remains

Goodbye Kansas

2005-07-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Independence over-rated

Thunder, lightening, wind tight swirls leave the fertile landscape as the sea shore

Never the same, yet rhythms remain

Put on your shoes dear

We're heading to the coast

Good bye everything

I gave my best to the house dealer

Who could only really let you down

Now the road less traveled

Cousins needing just as much as me

Still caught silent, cuffed and handed unseen chains

Daily

I'll pull the car around

Put your troubles in the back

We'll head for the coast

And hope for the best

Telling secrets we don't even know

Roles

2005-07-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Together again, decades holding memory

Should I be as an old photo

Reality could be insane

Small talk killing intimacy

With relatives

Part of the same clay

What, are we hiding?

This is my role, given from my youth

Forever in two worlds, at least

Passage not considered, alas missed

Maybe this is the generation

resist, i can learn to get along
with all the things i can't explain

That will break the invisable Grip

Lookout for that which lies beneath

And the margins

A desert road straight to the soul

my Role?

Horizon

2005-07-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Where heaven kisses the landscape

Waiting a lifetime

Anticipating a humble glimpse

Their words resonant, rhythmic touch of the soul

Shared voices offering a toast

Drinking in the spirit

The world is love and life on deep

Maybe as the sky is wide

Synchronous souls mate

Space bounded

Love flowing

Heaven

hermeneutics

2005-06-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Green walls eyes the space

Double tall non fat made through the screech of steaming milk

Three young boys found dead in a trunk

Father undone

Close to God

Trembling

jogging suits neatly pressed

Never soaking a bead of sweat.

Her hair is perfect.

Children

The kingdom of heaven

What is your lens

Shrewdness

2005-06-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

It seems to me, one that labels themselves as shrewd may be instead a shrew.

The D missing makes quite a statement. How about adding an ING.

There, that's better.

Okay, so much for relational christianity. Paul had similar things to say. And Peter?

The Boss does too.

A Heart issue. Alas! There is honor among us. I break your head with the log in my eye.

Posturing one above the other,

Let's get along now.

Weakly

2005-06-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sacred glass, mother Mary residing

Caught the attention of mystical starved patrons

Covenent of life. Covenent of love

I'll remove the glass, he said. Put it in safe keeping.

Suction cups and razor blades penetrating the holy

Masks adjusted

The meek shall inherit the earth

Cameras capturing every movement

Vulnerable not an option

Glass gives way to Mary's release.

She is gone

Masked men carry on. Finish the job

Mask intact.

LOST

2005-06-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Just sent off the first edited video from this system of mine

Not the product I wanted to send

Too many loose ends

Not enough polish

Fairly clueless in the process

But I did lose track of time in the process

That is a good sign

I have waited for such a project

To get lost in

Next.... Tossed

Never Know

2005-06-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

Just watched the drum solo, again.

Four years prior he was on a journey to nourish is baby soul.

Not realizing the impact he had on entire country's youth.

Traveling as an unknown to all he met along the way.

Tens of thousands of that country would one day get to show him their appreciation.

Ghost rider

Secret touch

Earthshine revealing glory.

Forty thousand shared hearts.

Celebrate, worship

To God the glory

Pigs and pearls

2005-06-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

Have just had a few sips of coffee. Neil Peart Jr. is pounding out a beat.

Headache is becoming all to common. And not at all the cause of the drumming.

Maybe we are wired for skin-deep?

It can be a nice escape. But from what?

Dirt, pimples, warts and nose hairs don't sell much. They are more of a focus of distain. A reason for working to rise above such a state.

Soul revealed in knowledge?

Surprised by the common?

What is so compelling?

Maybe the soul is a connection.

Maybe expression without the shadow allows light to be revealed.

Kingdom and agenda co-exist.

Time to go wash the mud off.

Clip the nose hairs.

Where were those pearls?

Toast

2005-05-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

Over at Tom's blog, he said he had realized that THE Big Dollar Company didn't want a true history.

Rather, they wanted a eulogy of sorts.

Not wanting to be an enouch, he took a hint from the PGA.

Focus on the good, and nobody gets hurt.

I suppose we have to pick our battles. Sometimes they pick us.

Their golden anniversary is upcoming. I am to give a toast. Ninety of their closest friends and family in attendance.

No pressure.

Maybe white bread makes good toast? Too much full grain bread may end up hitting the fan.

They don't want to hear about the effects. Let's celebrate!

So, a eulogy of sorts has calmed me down.

Focus on the good, and nobody else gets hurt.

Keep it under the rug.

Fore!

Streaming

2005-05-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

Looks like somebody let the dogs in.

Mud tracked on the floor, couch pillows chewed up.

Missed the paper, again.

Can hardly wait to see what the dogs might mess up.

Maybe when the beer runs out, our little house guest will move on down the road.

A micro brew is a terrible thing to waste.

But so is my sanity.

Nobility

2005-05-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Lately much is being made of telling your story. You are a part of a larger story.

The next chapter has yet to be written, it might be said.

Maybe.

Being driven to the edge of a deep, dark hole. Finding yourself at the margins of yourself.

This is hardly a romantic place.

Maybe I become Woody Allen-like.

Maybe we put the story on the shelf. Taken by a den of theives.

Maybe it is finally your time to identify with Parsifal, deep in the woods.

Fighting generational dysfunction.

Maybe I am the one who will free my sons. And their sons...

Maybe the journey is offering, for a limited only, a chance at nobility.

Maybe

M

Darkness Power

2005-05-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hooked in youth

Taking responsibility, given no authority

Control the saving grace

Death prolonged under the blood red sky of soul-less offerings

Jaded memories spark life to continue

I hate my youth

It still lives .....

Open Hand

2005-05-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Last evening, my little 34 month old son waved goodbye to his red balloon he was given earlier that day by the nice gal at the local Trader Joes. He asked for stickers and got a balloon, the color of his choice.

He played with it most of the day. Bouncing it off the ceiling, then grabbing the string to do it again and again.

Took a long nap. Greeted mom when he awoke. Showed her the gift.

Then, he took the balloon outside and let it go.

I hope I never forget that moment.

The colors, his expression, his eyes full of joy, his hand waving goodbye to the red balloon, ascending into the blue sky.

At first I was sad for him. The balloon was lost. But he was not sad. In fact he was happy. Is was as if he needed to do release it. To give it freedom. Before it deflated.

So I let this notion wash over and through me. The thought of the kingdom is entered like this little one, came along side too.

Wow. Something to receive. Like a gift.

Just wanted a couple of stickers.

But the kingdom showed up.

Let it go.

Let it be.

Whole lotta shakn'

2005-05-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Respect in sandlot football skills was the aspiration, not so long ago. Although it seems like a lifetime away.
Not a thought of how to live life well. Those people in India? Aren't they poor and starving? Better finish all on my plate.
Be thankful for what you have. Amass a fortune, for all to admire. Really only wanted the lable teammate.
Thought sharing the burden would lighten the load. Disconnect is my connection, currently.
The load is emerging, now conscience reforming, redeeming. takin' two forward and a couple back.
All this is no mistake. This shakn' allows no control.
Only perserverence. Faith.
I am butt dust. See what I mean? This works for ya?
It is so hard to truly see myself as lovable. Narcissism in reverse. Or is it?
Can't rush the process. Really don't want to.
Funny how reality lays against the ropes, waiting until I'm all punched out. Not much of a boxer, but the metaphor is working for me.
Who am I competing with?
I am tired now.
Good night

Mclaren

2005-05-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

This guy is the biggest ego-maniac going these days. He uses the pronoun "I" more than the average narcissist. It could be just my special problem that is only hearing the clanging and fingernails on the chalkboard. The Nancy Grace of the Christian underbelly. (Who in the hell keeps giving her more air time?)

Maybe the guru gig is more than he can handle.

It is said we are all wanting to be found out.

Undercover agents on the loose

Haircuts in heaven

2005-05-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Parable or inside joke.
Not sure of the bicyclist, white shirt and tie, knew of that which I spoke.
Twirling my baton, my symbol of authority, freely down the avenue, revealing blue hair.
I was proud, wanting to share, maybe it was too much to bear, just now.
The way out is the way in.
Is the trouble worth the pain?

My young angst choosing rage. Unseen chains, bound me today.
Like an armless man wanting to hug, fear has the upper hand.
desperate, reckless, confused
Can't hear praise. Must work harder, next time. Will there be a next time?
Heimlich has a manuever named after him.
Expectation needs mouth to mouth.

Just take a little off the sides please.

History

2005-05-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Told Fr. Monk to kiss off just now. For months, no response.

What a Baptist.

May he be relegated to voting only the pastors edict.

In a way it is a relief. Now I can move on. The wild goose has left that trail.

But you know, those church types are THE Worst relationally. Rarely have I had a dignified relationship with those people.

You?

We're in the same boat. Or maybe we are out, standing on the water.

Looking into His eyes.

Where else can we go?

4 Playa

2005-05-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

Red circle providing bakground for the white 4. oh, the humanity!

Waiting giving the necessities of life.

Filling the barren desert. Water ebb and flows.

Tides revealing ancient truth,

Come on 5 ...

smell the sea in the breeze

Lookin' for a 5

2005-05-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Rose wisely said one night at the family dinner, that when you are on the right quest, the resources for the journey will always come your way. I can say I have experienced this reality.

I have had a 33 year itch to race a car made just for racing. To own a small racing program that was respected by my peers.

Lately I have been wondering where those resources are.

Over these last few married years, dreaming about such a venture has been kindled.
And a lot of energy devoted to the possibilities. Priorities exposed. Fears raw.

She is not sure this is what I need to be doing. But I am finding so many signs that maybe it is.
And the two shall become one.

Funding is key to the quest. Second mortgage is out. Simple life is in. So sponsorship will deliever the goods.

Enter Laser Monks. A business with a cause. The cause I am all for. The Vintage drag racing community needs this.
Spirituality. Community. Healing. Feeding the poor.

I have found a complete package. Fair price. Good people. Unique operation.
So what's the problem?
It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do it together.

So I again wrote Fr. McCoy about considering my proposal. That was last night. At that time there was a 4 on my little mail icon. There is still a 4.
Maybe he is out of town?

He has never said no. Am I missing the clues? Are there even any clues?

And there has been also great new contacts other arenas of my quest. Will take 'em slow. Let them bud.

Not complaining. Just sharing. Stories are great, when you are watching them unfold. It is tough to be in the folds.

Just lookin' for a 5

Yelling heads

2005-05-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, she ran away. Made up a story a few days later.

The guy seems level headed. Noble in defending her honor. Wanting to get her help.

The talking heads are questioning his sanity. In still loving her. In standing with her.

So the talking heads judge sanity. Send me to the funny farm.

Where friends stand with you. Come hell or high water.

Talk to the hand.

memories

2005-05-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

Moses had a way of writing that has confused the high thinkers for thousands of years.

Simple language has a way about it.

Signs and symbols missed.

Story missed.

Humanity missed.

God missed.

What am I feeling as the stories unfold? My memory informed by "type A" pastors, I feel shamed I cannot properly outline the text.

The familiar often is no longer seen. What color is your spouse's eyes? Do you love Hagar?

What about her and Abraham's son?

Or are they outcasts? Better forgotten?

God spoke to them and comforted their soul.

Who is your father?

Thanks for the memories

Sports

2005-04-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sand lot or pick up games were a big part of my life in my "formative years". You know, the manhole cover is home and Wayne Parkman's yard is foul territory (In more ways than one). Often shooting baskets late into the evening, I would often sink the winning shot to the delight of the thousands in my driveway. Each of us could be Qb, receiver, running back and linebacker in the same game (and often on the same play).
Imagination isn't all bad.

Today it's 40,000 people in need of exercise watching 22 guys in need of a break.

Oh, the shoulder is not what it used to be. Organized sports often leave more on the bench, than are given the chance to play. A sort of forced couch potato. I suppose I could play to those thousands once again. But carrying that extra person around my middle makes jump shots a thing of the past. So, I sit here and reminise.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Playing the game was always the goal. Winning is cool. But it was always the chance that we could be victorious that kept me going. Play the game. Anything can happen. The way the ball bounces. Lapse in execution. "What a catch!" No harm, no foul. There should always be a victor. But if you play, you win.
Careful here. I might re-injure that shoulder.
No pain, no life.

Pain Trade

2005-04-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

Fear of injury or death oftens informs our life choices. Think about it, if you could be assured no pain, of any kind. Would you still go bowling? Think about it. No gutter balls. Strikes across the board. What fun!

Oh, bowling isn't your gig. Well that changes Everything. How about telling your boss just what you think, knowing there would be no pain involved. Would you spill your guts? How about to your spouse?

What do you trade for avoiding pain?

Loser

2005-04-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Humility, the way Jesus describes it, was never something I wanted. I mean, let's face it, who wants to die a loser? A surrendered one? We say we are saved by the passion of Christ. (patior = to suffer reality) This more a model for an anti-hero instead of a real hero. No, I am more impressed by actio than patior. What about your lens? How do you read Jesus? How do you read your life?

Surrendering, letting go, trusting God. Enternal life, God's life is a pure gift. Hard to believe? Of course it is. Look at your own life. Making deals, counting on grace and mercy for the easy stuff.

Often denying our own belief system.

What do you believe?

Transformed life happens when we are alive.

Whose blood is on your door post?

What do you want to take with you?

Relative Good

2005-04-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

"Weep not for me, but for yourselves and your children."

Political identity. Ego. Assertion. Father hunger. Some lives more worthy than others.

Exploiting the weak and helpless. Bask in prominent positions. Scholars. Of religion. Protection. tamed. View towards preservation. It will serve us well.

Idolatry of human life itself. Worring more about their dying than their living.

Life larger than death the goal.

Love of Control

Horsepower

2005-04-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

Okay. I just got a bit of a blow just now. Thought I would share it with the class. Some share gum. I'll share something else that loses flavor after a few chews.

I am considering the Way of St. Aidan and was reading the 10 elements of the way of life. The first involves spending some time reading scripture each day. Not for knowledge. Rather for it to bleed into your cadence on this journey. I thought good. "What is church" is again rattling my soul these days. Friesen's blurb on the emerging (makes me want to purge) church caught my attention. He said something like, living-self organizing communities doing the perichoritic dance. Then the announcement of Benedict 16 and all the hopes of the catholic camps world wide resonating with God once again has sparked the church question once again. Besides Jackson's defense is having a field day... But I digress.

So, I pick up the Message and thought I would start with proverbs. But then I was lead to start with the end of Psalms. 147 sounds good. It's good to sing praise to the Lord. Been listening to Rush in Rio and that is some great praise music! I am think I am in the groove with God. He's healing the broken hearted. Yes, Lord. The world needs You. Then he says He is not impressed with horsepower. Shit! The size of my muscles means little to him. (What about my belly?) This horsepower praise time has been a part of my soul for longer than anything I know of. Man. Talking about kicking the rods out and oiling the track. Can we make a deal on this? I'll sing praises down the track. That way you can overlook the 1000 horsepower and listen to sweet praise instead.

Well, once again the Lord's sense of humor and timing make me feel welcome in His world.
May each of us live a grace filled life. Those that desire to follow Jesus into the world, may He spit on eyes that we may see; today.

Vacuum.

2005-04-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Days swagger in Time. Polemic theology. Minnesotian Missionaries Marketing in Mariner Fields. Guests will show us what is real. Answers come easy. Reality patient. Unmoved. Sometimes brutal. Often mis-understood. Always informative. Rarely acknowledged. Existential genocide. Postmodern genuflect.

Ironic goal of denial to the one they claim to follow. May we feel the wind. The breeze. Catch the drift. Ancients voice. Do you hear?

This is no vacuum. Field of dreams. Crossing Fields hiding in the open. Contemplative.

Absalom! Absalom!

Defending the Fort

2005-04-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

One last bullet to defend the fort with. That other guy. Schiophrenia in reverse. Calvin and Hobbes. Fight Club. My Life. Oh, my locust life. Wanting to be unopposed. Lied to. Who else to follow? No fear?

What am I protecting?
Memory failing me. Or is it just being kind?

Gaps. Can't connect the dots. Can't even see the dots. Speed bumps waking me up. From slumber. Don't wake a sleeping dog. How about a snoring lion?

Don't tell a soul about my disorder. It's only a scratch. I know I am bleeding. On the inside. Nobody will see it. Nobody will know. Private life. Shadow in the dark. Ostrich burger some day?

Goal line stand. Won't score on me. We'll both be bloody in the process. Play be the rules. Martyr without a cause. Raging at unreachable glory.
Man, what a bind.

What am I supporting? Valor. Vows. Honor.

Surrender. Storms. Justice. Much to lose.

Love and truth

Hotel of Kings

2005-04-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

Four US presidents dwelled here. Hollywood's glamour made more than a few splashes. Pink monument catching the days a slow good bye. Rumors of glory. Ghosts. Sophisicated. No details are known. Diamonds before swine. See the light? Extremes under one roof. Tension nurtured. Now stars of Cops inhabit these hallowed spaces. Still higher on the food chain than politicians. Just not elected. Just appointed. Fruit of greed. Fruit of life in the margins.

And the familes. Heros and naves. Single parents grateful for the roof. The walls. Discarded. Left for deterioration. The natural consequence. Misery. Struggling to survive. Roaches and rats want their share. Music in the streets. Deals going down. Crys of babies through the windows. Echo the victims. Bullet holes marking as scars on the walls. Tattoos of the life lived here.

Arms open wide for the present day kings.

Un natural

2005-04-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Is it just me? Flying way, way up there. AboVe the clouds. Going very fast. Everything reduced to ants and hills. Stuff in the overhead bin. Be careful when you open it because it may have shifted during the flight and it might fall out. No kidding. "It's spring and the ride has been bumpy the last few weeks" Really. Just keep reading your book like there is nothing going on. I'll sit here in silent desperation. Looking for a sign on the face of the flight attendent. Hoping this will not became a famous flight.

Up here there are no border markings. For me fairly raw. I hope the fairings are screwed in tight. I'll keep watch just in case. Leaving one location and arriving 2000 miles away in a few hours is surreal to me. I am amazed. I don't like it. Sure it saves alot of time. Now. The stress on me takes off years, I fear. Nice trade off. I'd much rather be on the ground.

You are free to move about the cabin. Peanuts?

Tribute

2005-04-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

Not often enough do I encounter a man that makes me want to be a better man. I am talking about about a life lived faithfully. His friend said he heard the words of Christ "follow me" throughout his life. "Be not afraid" I somehow want to claim those for my life too. But His words have a little different hue. Just the same, to follow His voice, His eyes, and not be afraid is freshly compelling.
Lord help my unbelief.

Touch

2005-04-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the barricades are for good reason. Opening up another way for your path. Boulders often is seen as mercy in the rear view mirror. It feels like all is lost. Including yourself. Alas! It's true. It's the way. A measure of make believe, tossed with naive notions willing to be innocent. Broadsided. Undone. Empty. Not for long. Out of sync with how things used to be. Out of sync with the brutal reality. Not noticing the gentle touch. The secret place in your heart opens many moons later. Revealing the soul of the living. A healing hand in the darkness. More alive than childhood dreams. Light hand on my shoulder. Whispers in the night. Cosmic chain. No weak links. Strength in weakness. Pain embracing love. Who is embracing me? Rhythms. Here comes the sun. Rain. Night. Dawn. Even in the good times bracing for the worst. Call it control. Call it survival. Just don't call it living.

Look at the lilies. Look at the bolder in the path. Look at the warrior. Look at the caged lion. Feel the gentle touch.

Of the wind.

Timing

2005-04-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Florida wants to free - up "the shoot now and ask questions later" law. Guess two weeks ago, it might not of passed.

Long live Terri's memory.

Right Life

2005-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Reading a few other folk's blogs, it seems that I am good company in the realm of the passing of Pope John Paul2. He seems to be in the hearts and souls of many. Admittedly, I did not pay too much attention to him when he was alive, but I feel compelled to be one of the many thousands to pay my last respects this week. What a life. Faith is so elusive. Yet he makes me want to be a better man. Surrender to God. Love. Forgiveness. Justice. Life. Tragedy. Heart-ache. Savvy. Humble. Bold.

Been listening to some debate on the death penalty. Pope against it. Our laws for it. You?

Struggling with justice, redemption, forgiveness and revenge. Rational has no place here. Only the words of Life. That seem like ghosts talking. That seem like hell to surrender to.

Christ, what have you done?

Faces

2005-04-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

You know, death of a famous person has a way of humbling me. Pope John Paul 2 seemed to me to be an authentic lover of God. Being in power for so long, his influence upon the world, for God, was often lost to the headlines of the day. OJ. Jackson. Steriods. Jackson. Iraq. Jackson. You get the idea. But he did move, often boldly, into war torn parts of the world to speak for, to give voice to the poor. The outcasts. The marginalized. He seemed to relate well. Almost recieving strength from those he went to give hope. Maybe meeting Christ in the face of those outcast people. Ironic. Love incarnate.

Fools

2005-04-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Most days it is hard to believe. The new world is the same. Sun over head. Waves on the beach. Gas prices going up. Top Exec's going down. Cookin' the books I think they call it. Rush of days. Philosophic banter keeps you held at bay. Bloody fingers groping for the rose. Darkness your friend?
Fool's paradise. Addicted to the illusion of answers. Rational security; confidence. Will Christ find faith on the earth? Will I be a fool for Christ? Maybe the surrender to forgiveness is a threshold to crawl through.

Tattooed with stories of others, we are lost to ourself. Who are you?

Philosophy ends in wonder. Our survival depends on wonder. Who is the nemesis of your soul?

No fooling.

Bad Air

2005-03-29T12:16:00.000-08:00

Open the window. Let the wind caress. Nothin' new beneath this sun. It just feels that way. My history being written as we speak. Judgements on reality, here in the guilded cage. Rage cloaked in the laws of the land. Living in the universal dream, the underlying theme- fear. Emotion the guiding light. Excommunicate that judge. Right to life. Cable news needing life support. Choose a victim of cruel fate. Poster child of the helpless. Leave nothing to chance. Better to give than to receive. Open the window, let the bad air out. Eating pizza, they call for the death of those who serve... them.

In the law, you seek Me. But I am right here. Flesh. Hidden. Ain't this a smile? Outcast. On the margin. Within. Death. Life. Do you know? Free. Holding the log. Covered in ashes. Don't touch. Spit on my eyes that I might see.

Blind wind. Elusive. Crackle with life. Sublime. Shatters illusions of integrity. Hermes beckons.

The sound of pea-sized hail striking the metal roof top vents summons a look out the front window. Sure enough hail. Coming down in such volume that within seconds the yard and street are covered in white. Beautiful. Then, without warning, a yellow explosive flash explodes in our yard. Right in front of us. A loud bang accompanies. What just happened? DId a lightening bolt just touch down mere feet in front of me? Nature's gig. Strangely calming. Humbling.

Love is in the air.

Belly quiet

2005-03-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

Jona in the belly waiting to be spewed. Jesus in the belly waiting for resurection. The piece of night that is peace. Rest. Not frantic. Feeding tube gone. Poised for an entrance. Into that which is unsure, but soon to be familiar. A part of the cloud of witnesses. Cheering from reality. From the gift of faith. From the gift of life. From love. From love. From love.

Violence is as violence doEs

2005-03-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

It could happen anywhere. Violence is a major part of our history and a major part of our present. Denial of our wish to forget, it speeps from our hidden wound. Daily. Violence is a way of the universe. It's as much a part of life as birth. The cross. Violent. Forsaken. Alone. Blood mixed with water. Life in anguish.
Nobody saw the signs. Maybe we are not supposed to. On this side. Intelligent anger. Rage. Not seen. Passed over. Love there too. No?
Now silence. Death had seemed so distant. Other worldly. Now demanding attention. An embrace. Care. What more can you do to me?

Please don't forget me.

Old Playground

2005-03-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

No refs. No blood, no foul. Cheating no option. Complaining didn't help much. Except to increase your likelihood of not being around to play next time. Wheels of justice spun on gamesmanship. No lawsuits allowed. We enjoyed the game. No pads. Torn shirts. Makeshift field. Drinks afterward. Fries and a malt. The world right here. The crowd goes wild ...

Vibes

2005-03-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

Sun down. Mild wind out of the west. Trees regaining some of their color and I am feeling a little better after that pink shooter. Angel of death, impatient for his hero's birthday, leaves his gift. Short career. Lasting results. Stunned. Protective. Healthy. Saddened. Elders look to heal. To burn and pass the pipe. Maintain life. Keep on giving. Full moon. Reflected light. Look how far it travels to paint the sky.

What resonates with your soul? Scary darkness eased by the sight of lights up ahead? Deeper in darkness and closer to the light. Conflicting reports all day long from the fair and balanced. From the ones you can trust. All of this get filtered through that which resonates. Connection on a soul level. The stuff flying off the fan will stick to something. Concrete in the face takes your breath away (along with your teeth). Struck. Defined. Free. Purpose. Grace. Under the mercy.

Why are we here? Because we're here. Roll the bones.

Vanilla swirls

2005-03-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the Rolaids, but what in the hell is going on? Steroids, Karl Rove and a dying woman's husbands wish for her and the revelation of Bush's sleep patterns. What will history say about the president on this one? Oh yes, and the banning of hearing about 4 hour erections and who to call on TV advertisements. Banning high school cheerleading? Okay, that wouldn't be so bad. What is this? Russia? I mean of all the stories to be given attention, we get these. The laugh meter is pegged. Pull the plug. Jackson's back. What a pain. Potty talk. Judgements. Power. Politics. (I need another Rolaid) David Copperfield is done proud.Wait till we see what has disappeared.

I don't want to forget that which the empire has perpetrated on the innocents in the name of freedom, in the names of those who passed on Sept.11 and on my name as an American citizen. Follow the money. See where it leads. To pathetic men, puffed up with greed.

Winds of ancients kiss my face, sometimes fiercely, mostly with conviction. Unwavering pulse. Under the mercy. Walls are falling. Fragments of light all around. Billions of shattered diamonds, scattered reflecting light, in the shadow of the sleeping lion. What's up your sleeve?

Honor Among Thiefs

2005-03-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

"I don't want to talk about the past. Only the future. Let's be positive." "Why don't you turn in your teammates if they are shooting the juice? I do not understand." Our national pasttime. Field of dreams. Shoeless Joe. The Black Socks. The Negro leagues. The Long Ball. Records. Excitement. Build it and they will come. The US Congress has none of this.

How Ironic a congressman lecturing a professional baseball player on honor. On cheating. On a naked national stage. Performance. Competition. Teamwork. Tradition. Fame. Lots of money. Super Stars. More money. 7th inning stretch. Being called out 70% of the time will be enough to be considered for the hall of fame. Betting ... bad... Is there politics? Sure. Scapegoats? Sure. Purity? I hope not. Pure stuff has no substance. Dirt and crap help the strenghten the gold. I am looking forward to getting out to the ball field this year. Transcendent. Soul-full. The meeting of the past and the present in every moment.

Amalgamated with history the two sides did battle. Steeeee - rike one!

Un Healthy Friend

2005-03-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

Often it seems I need to be unhealthy to see true health. My view of my body leaves much to the ghosts notion of health. In the midst of sickness I have little energy to deny the truth of my being. Sleep is a good thing. Letting the waves of nausea sweep through me is oddly cleansing. Both for body and soul. I see I am a part of creation. Too often I feel I somehow stand outside of it. Somehow the events that impact others have little to no impact on me. A fearless teenager at heart. Among my ghosts is one that whispers I need not suffer in this world. If you do, then failure is the reason it says. Thank God for the truth of illness.

Peers

2005-03-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Jurys are entrusted to the fate of bad people. And good people for that matter. Peers have opionions on each of us. But wait, don't make your opionion so impersonal. What is your opinion of the people involved in the high profile cases in the world today? Where does the glove fit in your opinion?

Our history of hangings and lynchings, vigilante justice continues to today. Money is the smoke screen to make it seem the system is working. Maybe the system is working and that is the problem. Do you want to be judged by a system? Set free by a system? Live by the system? Die by a system? Who is innocent? Who is guilty? Impersonal is the intimacy of the system. "Just the facts" may be more than a cliche'. Reasonable doubt is as valuable as predicting tomorrows weather.

Those who convict must throw the first stone. It's personal now, but does it guarantee only the guilty die? Or that the guilty go free? Believe me I want to line up and cast a few at Nancy Grace. But that is beside the point. Or is it? Amateur humans spreading their wisdom like salt on snails. Burn baby burn. Abe Lincoln once turned to somebody and said, "Do you ever find yourself talking with the dead?

Un Awares

2005-03-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

Running from himself and leaving a path of broken hearts and exploding memories he saw himself as dead. Look at my hopeless eyes. I want normal back. Is that really me on the TV? I just want some pancakes. A shower. DO you see me? Do I see you? Do I see your pain? Your world? Your hope? Here, take some of mine. Eyes meet mine and sees my soul. Comfort. Resolve. Sorrow for my actions. The scar will remain deep. I refuse to be comforted. An angel visited me. I am a man. Of sorrows.

Middle Aged Hairy

2005-03-14T23:40:00.000-08:00

You know that hairy guy that hangs out on the bottom of the spring, covered in mud? The guy that steals your dog? The one that redeems your male-ness? Answers to prayer almost always are in ways that I did not expect. Maybe Jesus was surprised the hairy guy from the wilderness was the one who would baptise him. Ever see a hairy guy in a muscle man competition? Anyway, got some clarity today. Thanks Mr. Bly. Thanks IJ. Or Harry. Or, whatever your name is. I took the key a while back and didn't realize it. Now I can be more aware of trying to put it back. My hair has something to do with it.

View Overhead

2005-03-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

Police activity following the shooting of two fellow officers, a judge and court reporter in and around a court house seemed frantic. Except for the fact it took place in an American city, it did resemble so many scenes in Iraq, Iran and other un-democratic countries shown on the TV these past many months. Where chaos is ruled the flow. Frantic crime scene participants mixed with life as normal one block away. Uneffected living sharing the same air with the crushed, the breathless. The view over head is sanitary. Repetitive. Speculative.

Yesterday it was pajamas.

Technical advances. Economics. Soul. Self preservation. Arch-enemies. Dirty faced angels doin' their best. Free will. Living wills. Bird in flight. high pressure system over the west. Parched.

He is running a fever. Has an unproductive cough. Why did we let her stay here with similar symptoms? Won't happen to me. Besides, they are family. Now the innocent suffers. Maybe this will help his body to fight off illness for the remainder of his life, What a crazy system. The flowers look beautiful. The sunset breath-taking. The truck starts. We feel safer on the road up here. The doctor will give us wisdom. Hopefully I will live. My son needs healing. And that is mostly what is on my mind. Frantic between the ears. But you would never know it, looking from over head.

Pretend

2005-03-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

It could mean to lay claim to. I think most often it is meant as a false front, a false image to deceive. For good or ill. Or both. I think that I have layed claim to my false image. Not so much a poser as a surrender to myself. Maybe it was the vows, however suttle. Temporary island from the punishment of others vows. Free will is quite difficult without wisdom. Wisdom doesn't feed self. What a bind. No cure, only care. Giving space. Holy space. In that hole in your heart. Everybody's got one.
Few kick at the darkness to let the light in.

My ship isn't coming and I cannot pretend.

Part 1 mentors

2005-03-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

A mind is a good thing. Memory another. A leaking bag is yet another. I write this now because I will forget later. Not that what I have to say needs to be documented. Rather, us here in the boat need some thoughts from each other.

Clint Eastwood, Dirty HArry, justice, redemption - punk.. Bringing up the next steps through all that, Unforgiven, Outlaw Josie Wales, Bridges of Madison County, Mystic River, redemption, justice, mystery, punk. Okay so I don't know alot about Clint's movies. But those listed here have been on my mind the last few days. I just watched Mystic River for the first time last week. Disturbing?, yes. Tears?, saddness?. Yes. Lovable characters?. Yes. Raw?. Yes. Do I still cry thinking about the circumstances I was invited into? Yes. Did I enjoy the Dirty Harry Justice? You bet, punk. Is gravity even more heavy now in life with Mystic River? Yes. Worship in the midst of gut wrenching pain, even vicarious, still is redemptive. The reel as art is as powerful, is as loving, is as kind a pointing to the One who shows up as your life. A great mentor can point the way.

Feeling lucky? Punk

Get Real

2005-03-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

I think reality gets you. To seek it is like seeking air to breathe. Maybe God's humor at work. Maybe not. I am holding on to the metaphor though. After all I tend towards a 4. But I digress. But it's my show so I can do what I like. Wow, that came from somewhere beyond the deep. This lens that I see you through has been tuned to gettn' by mode for so long and reality is unmoved. Tears of reality moved to kiss my lips. Embrace. Listen. Give space. Play the fields that compose spirituality.

I am looking at me. You are looking at you. We are looking at each other and don't know what to do. They call me the seeker, but I am being sought. Blind-ness a virtue. Great big world. Free will. Order. Chaos. God is Love? I am at the bottom of myself.
Reality.

Odd

2005-03-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

I think one of the most odd functions of the human body is waste elimination. What was the thinking here? I guess it is not only humans that do it, but I am more familiar with my constitutional than that of animals.
Of all the personal hygene products concieved and marketed, I have never heard of one that would relieve us of relieving ourselves in the normal way. It seems like that would be a clear indicater of our superiority to animals.
Try that one on for size PETA.
Maybe Elvis was super human after all. At least he thought so.

Go Fish

2005-03-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

Some people think life is not a dry run. I think it is. At least some of the time. I would hate to think I actually planned this. Not to say I am not lucky. It is just that I did not plan for my life to be this rich. Sure I complain daily. But I think that is mere habit at this point in time. The over head bin is making noise in this turbulence. I think that cologne I was waiting to wear on just the right night spilled. It doesn't smell like I remember it did.

Think about your life. What are you waiting for? Whiter teeth? (speel check says everything cool) I will make the phone call when I have rehearsed what I am going to say. That is prudent!
You need a five year plan. No, prudent is to think about retirement. Oh, so it's about retirement. I manage the cash so that I can have it when life begins the way I planned. Seat of the pants life is not what Jesus would do. Why do yoiu think he told his boys to go fish...

I meant to say speel by the way.

Worth

2005-03-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

School age kids are ripe for friendship. Good and bad. hanging out. Enjoying life. Yea, I know life and the world is tragic, but somehow in the midst it is not. Kind of like grace. I experienced it in Tully's last night. Three girls about 10 years old were with each other as only kids can be. Heaven is like this? Hopefully. I could not hear what they were saying but spirit about them was heavenly.
I thought about my mom. She still has friends from that age in her life. Still in contact. Still make a point of seeing each other. What a great thing. Grace here if you catch my drift. Guys are not like that. We seem to need a common hobby or interest to get together. Even that doesn't mean much if the want to isn't there as well. Ghosts from our past. Maybe as a kid performance was key to your friendship quotient. Self esteem. Like life so fragile. Misunderstood. Not seen. Victim of the culture. Expendable.

I miss all of my friends. I miss the connection. Comrade. What a great word. When I was growing up it was maginalized as communist and that was bad. Evil in fact. I want to live with comrades.

DEath

2005-03-06T10:08:00.000-08:00

Accomplishment is a virtue.No? A friend was told by his pastor a while back that humans were not meant to know so many people. Celebraties known world wide don't know their fans, and their fans don't know them. Or do they? I am no celebrity and not that many people know I exsist. Chad died at age 16 via a gunshot wound. Accidental. In his basement bedroom. His family and friends have carried on his memory with a restaurant called of all things "Chads Place". Or something like that. He was a leader of sorts. His family needed some way to grieve their loss. In death he is living in them.

It takes a village to create an idiot. The empire has one as a figure head and chief embarrassment. The blood on his hands is no accident. How do the many families and friends, in both lands grieve? How many are just forgotten? Jesus says you have arrived.

Technically Challenged

2005-03-05T23:09:00.000-08:00

No not me. I meant to repeat that last post 2 x's. You are getting very sleepy.

Sleep on IT

2005-03-05T22:56:00.002-08:00

As I preparing for sleep, it occurred to me how this spell checker function worked. It kept saying undefined and I knew I had not used that word in any post. At least not yet.You have already figured it out. But you don't have as much on your mind as I do.

Dug a few holes today. Hopefully the posts will contain the dirt and the trees will be happy. The rocks are crying out so it may be too late. We will plant a tree anyway. From what I remember, we are in good company. The guy's name will come to me this side/edge of sleep. Or not. I didn't know him anyway, so who cares?

I guess I do. It seems only the dead people are talking about how reality really is. Not just dead people, but they are always quoted. Will anyone ever quote me when I pass on. Will I know? Will I care? DO you care now?

Good night